Dusk ’till Dawn

I just read a blog and the blogger was kind enough to share that she had been in an abusive relationship..it made me feel better somehow.  By better I only mean that I am not alone and others know what it is like to break out in a cold sweat with hands shaking and feeling panicked knowing that “he” is coming home. Thoughts flashing of what might happen and trying to quickly figure out a plan of how to handle what will eventually come. I did it for 23+ years.

The worst times were from dusk ’till dawn when I knew he would be home.

Only a handful of my closest friends knew a little of what was going on.  My sisters knew a little but just didn’t know quite how to help me.  Then, I finally got up the courage to leave him. I think I may have made a mistake by telling the first “outsider” my story. For some reason I felt comfortable telling but now I sometimes regret it.  I feel as though he thinks I am permanently scared somehow. He says not, but this is just what I think.  Yes, I will always carry the scars inside but I know who made them and I refuse to let it rule my life now. I am fully functional with a good career and just waiting for my divorce. After all is said and done I am really a stronger person from my experiences.  Would I want to do it over again..NO.  Am I grateful for the lessons I learned..YES.  Am I thankful now for the times that I was forced to look deep inside for a reason to go on..YES.   I learned a lot about myself along the way. All of this together has made me SMARTERWISER.

If anyone reads this blog and you have been in an abusive relationship I hope you sense the understanding and some kind of comfort in my words.  Feel free to comment or let me know if you blog back about a similar situation.  I do not judge, I just listen.

Good gawd!! My …

Good gawd!! My sister is on a rampage. She works for a local company and is the Manager of Underwriting and she is also the Director of Imaging..Look the f@#! out for all those of you who are gonna have to deal with her today. She tells me about her issues,  one of which is that a scanner “is jacked the fuck up” and she is having trouble finding one of  “their guys” to work on it. Then she proceeds to tell me about some “fuckin’ stomach virus” she thinks she has and then finally she goes to town telling me about all the people who had better not “fuck” with her today.  So #1 I lost count of all the “f” bombs she dropped and then said a prayer for her co-workers.. #2 Don’t scream and cuss to no end in my ear if you don’t want it potentially on my blog! She asked me to keep my blog about her confidential and then she says “it would take a real Asshole to not figure out that I work for an insurance company”. Umm, my sister quite frequently goes on a rant like this. She is fluent with an Urban Dictionary.  Yes, we are twins..however I save my rants and only go off every so often.  Guess that is why they say “look out for the quiet one..i.e.  SMARTERWISER!  P.S. sis..I couldn’t resist the pic, hope you get to finish the sandwich!!!!

 

Van Halen

Blogging and listening to Van Halen. Doesn’t get much better on a Sunday night after 12+ hours in the ED!

So tired..

I am so tired..tired of waiting for someone or something to change my world…

You What?!

In one of my earlier blogs I mentioned that I am an ED nurse. I work in a fairly good size ED, which is also a Level 2 Trauma center. Numerous applications for a Level 1 have been denied because it required a helipad and we are smack in the middle of two neighborhoods that keep blocking the application because of the noise a helicopter would make. We’ll see what the future holds I guess.

I also talked briefly about being an ED nurse and having a somewhat “wild” side.  I think most of us have one but just don’t or won’t admit it.  Every one has stress in their life and their job. With the work I do you have to have a release, some kind of way to deal with the pain, the fear, the sadness, and seeing the unspeakable things humans can do to one another. It runs the gammot..minor illnesses to major traumas and you always have to be ready to react because you never know what is coming next.  A friend once told me that I live to react.  That may be true with my life experiences and because of my career. I can have a big mouth at times and occasionally a very short fuse.  That’s just who I am.  I have worked really hard to tame the big mouth thing lately.  But when someone asks me or essentially invites me to comment I am going to.  I refuse to live in a shell as I did for so many years. That shit will kill you..slowly. It almost did.

So here I am today, just trying to find my way, as I think we all are.  I am not legally divorced yet. The person that I married 23 years ago has decided to contest a large amount of what is in the paperwork and now I know why..He called me last night and said “I still love you” and I see now what a great woman I have lost.” I had just had a great girls day, sun, fun, throwing a few back with my best friends.  My head began to spin and I literally thought I might throw up.

My response was immediate, I didn’t even have to think about what to say. It just came out.  “I hate no one, but I despise you. I have to maintain some type of cordial ‘relationship’ with you because we have a son together and he will come first.” Then the ‘bitch’ in me came out full force.  I let him have it, for lack of a better term.  I told him to get over it, the damage was done a long time ago and he chose to keep on trying to destroy me.  By my early 30’s I was pretty much begging him to treat me like a human being and not some doormat. That was the lowest point in my life. He CHOSE to continue his behavior.  I took my wedding vows in a church before God when I was 18 years old.  He chose to break almost every single one of those vows so I firmly believe we are no longer married..I don’t give a damn what the paperwork says..When you take a vow before your Creator you keep it..and when you don’t then ask him for forgiveness. I have forgiven in order to move on but that by no means says I have to like you.  We have been separated for over a year now I will keep on trudging along with the paperwork, but thank you God, I am finally free!!

Only you

Remember when things get hard..I believe that God made you unique..to fill a certain space on this earth..no one can replace that..only you can!

School Days

My little boy started back to school Monday.  He is getting so big!  In the 2nd grade now.  His football coach told me I must be doing lots right..my son is bigger, stronger and faster this year. Coach said 360 degree change.  Boy, that made me feel so good. My son is built for football but his favorite sport is baseball.  I guess we’ll see how the first scrimmage game goes, he says he wants to play for the Georgia Bulldogs!

What Do You See?

Do you see what I do? Red, White and Blue!

Enough is Enough!!

Listen up!! I have had enough! I am a tax paying, law abiding professional.  Another shooting in Texas. 3 dead.  I am a nurse and it is my desire to care for people but I can only be expected to be human.  I have a 7 year old son who has to live in this society. If you have “had enough” and “at the end of your rope” take it out on yourself..and DO NOT take away an innocent person who has people that love him/her and depends on him/her.  Whatever it is that you feel so inclined to do to yourself then do it!! If you are so determined, I have learned personally and professionally that there is nothing and no one that can stop you in the end. DO NOT take it out on others. If you abuse substances then dammit get some help..don’t tell me there is none out there because I damn well know better. Quit self indulging and take some responsibility. If you are truly mentally ill, I am sorry, but it is time that me and my child stop worrying about the price we may have to pay. Our present Administration..HERE THIS..myself and others are tired of carrying the Monkey on Our Back.  Take the fuckin’ lead and quit worrying about the campaign $ and the trip to exclusivity.  Have the guts enough to live in the real world and lock your doors. Know what it is like to pray that your child is safe on the neighborhood block.  I might add the “safe neighborhood block”.   Know what it is to work your ass off and wonder how the bills will get paid.  I do not accept handouts..I accept responsibility!!! For once..take the side of those who take the time to invest in this country and not drain it for the resources based on some delusional “right” that you may think exists. WORD..I AM a registered voter and I am going to vote again come Hell or High Water……………………………… If you disagree with this post, go right ahead, I am exercising a PRIVILEDGE…I refuse to whine and call anything my God-given right.. I work for it.. I take responsibility for it..I have EARNED it!

Ain’t nothin wrong with that!

It is 0550, running on about 2 hours sleep with 13-14 hours staring me in the face..and a really shitty week at the back door. No worries, once I get to work I will be poised for action. Now I am thankful for four things..”someones” kind ear last night, the cat will forgive me for almost taking his tail off while walking down the hallway half conscious with one eye open, the cellulite cream is clearly labeled so I put it on my ass and not on my face, and that Robert Randolph is available on You Tube!! Oh wait, there are five things..my self control in not throwing this damn computer out the window!