Ain’t nothin wrong with that!

It is 0550, running on about 2 hours sleep with 13-14 hours staring me in the face..and a really shitty week at the back door. No worries, once I get to work I will be poised for action. Now I am thankful for four things..”someones” kind ear last night, the cat will forgive me for almost taking his tail off while walking down the hallway half conscious with one eye open, the cellulite cream is clearly labeled so I put it on my ass and not on my face, and that Robert Randolph is available on You Tube!! Oh wait, there are five things..my self control in not throwing this damn computer out the window!

You raise me up

 

It is 0100, long restless week full of disappointment..I have to be up at 0430. But I have to take the time to thank you GOD for “someone” who was willing to listen tonight..No matter what or who you think you are..no matter how much I don’t know..you give me strength and I Thank you for that!

Who does she think she is?

So, who is “smarterwiser”? I am 43 years old.  I have a 7 year old son and I have been separated for over a year. I grew up not wanting for a thing..spoiled.  At 15 y.o. I started taking care of my mother and by the time I was 17 I was having to keep a close eye on my dad who was beginning to show early stages of Alzheimer’s.  I have an identical twin sister and two older sisters.  This is the part when I admit I was no Angel by the time I reached my early and late teens.  By the time I was 15 or so I was drinking to excess and smoking the hell out of pot. I could roll one that would rival “Cheech and Chong” .  It is a fucking miracle I am alive today.  I ran with older guys and was always talking my way out of shit with my parents and covering for my sister when she would have pot parties in her room at night after my parents went to bed.  Good Lord, the smoke rollin’ out from under her bedroom door and the music and the endless parade of guys and girls crawling in and out of her bedroom window. I can vividly remember thinking “I am not taking the fall for this shit”  I would storm into her “pot and booze den” aka bedroom and tell her to knock it off before one of my parents woke up from the fumes or the noise.  She typically complied.  “Sweet” little me you ask? This is about the time that I think I developed such good negotiating skills and began to read body language like an expert.  I could talk a serial killer off of death row and into probation!

Damn I still look back and think what in the hell did I think I was doing? I belonged to a “click” notoriously known for living on the edge and had the reputation of “don’t fuck with me”.  I am sure now that it was a way of coping with having to tackle responsibilities beyond my years.  And at some point I caved in..at 18 years old I married a person whom I know now to be a predator. He saw my weaknesses, he was and is a master manipulator. I stayed with him for 23 years!  I can remember the dream I had about a week or so before my wedding.  He and I walked down the isle and until the end of my dream I could only see the back of both of us. Then we got to the end and turned toward eachother and I saw two skeleton like figures staring at one another.  If only I had gone by my gut and called off the wedding like everything in me was telling me to do who knows what those 23 years would have held for me.However, as I look back and into the mirror today I am “smarterwiser” for every good and bad thing that ever happened to me.

I value time, people and life in general. God knows I was self destructive as a teenager and just glad to be here today.  Do I still break out every once in awhile..of course..it’s in my blood. Thus an ED nurse, anticipating the next emergency or crisis and constantly ready to react.  Does this occasional break out time make me irresponsible?  Not by any means.  I am a committed person, I hold true to my core values, and I do my best to live my life respecting others.