In one of my earlier blogs I mentioned that I am an ED nurse. I work in a fairly good size ED, which is also a Level 2 Trauma center. Numerous applications for a Level 1 have been denied because it required a helipad and we are smack in the middle of two neighborhoods that keep blocking the application because of the noise a helicopter would make. We’ll see what the future holds I guess.
I also talked briefly about being an ED nurse and having a somewhat “wild” side. I think most of us have one but just don’t or won’t admit it. Every one has stress in their life and their job. With the work I do you have to have a release, some kind of way to deal with the pain, the fear, the sadness, and seeing the unspeakable things humans can do to one another. It runs the gammot..minor illnesses to major traumas and you always have to be ready to react because you never know what is coming next. A friend once told me that I live to react. That may be true with my life experiences and because of my career. I can have a big mouth at times and occasionally a very short fuse. That’s just who I am. I have worked really hard to tame the big mouth thing lately. But when someone asks me or essentially invites me to comment I am going to. I refuse to live in a shell as I did for so many years. That shit will kill you..slowly. It almost did.
So here I am today, just trying to find my way, as I think we all are. I am not legally divorced yet. The person that I married 23 years ago has decided to contest a large amount of what is in the paperwork and now I know why..He called me last night and said “I still love you” and I see now what a great woman I have lost.” I had just had a great girls day, sun, fun, throwing a few back with my best friends. My head began to spin and I literally thought I might throw up.
My response was immediate, I didn’t even have to think about what to say. It just came out. “I hate no one, but I despise you. I have to maintain some type of cordial ‘relationship’ with you because we have a son together and he will come first.” Then the ‘bitch’ in me came out full force. I let him have it, for lack of a better term. I told him to get over it, the damage was done a long time ago and he chose to keep on trying to destroy me. By my early 30’s I was pretty much begging him to treat me like a human being and not some doormat. That was the lowest point in my life. He CHOSE to continue his behavior. I took my wedding vows in a church before God when I was 18 years old. He chose to break almost every single one of those vows so I firmly believe we are no longer married..I don’t give a damn what the paperwork says..When you take a vow before your Creator you keep it..and when you don’t then ask him for forgiveness. I have forgiven in order to move on but that by no means says I have to like you. We have been separated for over a year now I will keep on trudging along with the paperwork, but thank you God, I am finally free!!
smarterwiser 