It is 0100, long restless week full of disappointment..I have to be up at 0430. But I have to take the time to thank you GOD for “someone” who was willing to listen tonight..No matter what or who you think you are..no matter how much I don’t know..you give me strength and I Thank you for that!
So, who is “smarterwiser”? I am 43 years old. I have a 7 year old son and I have been separated for over a year. I grew up not wanting for a thing..spoiled. At 15 y.o. I started taking care of my mother and by the time I was 17 I was having to keep a close eye on my dad who was beginning to show early stages of Alzheimer’s. I have an identical twin sister and two older sisters. This is the part when I admit I was no Angel by the time I reached my early and late teens. By the time I was 15 or so I was drinking to excess and smoking the hell out of pot. I could roll one that would rival “Cheech and Chong” . It is a fucking miracle I am alive today. I ran with older guys and was always talking my way out of shit with my parents and covering for my sister when she would have pot parties in her room at night after my parents went to bed. Good Lord, the smoke rollin’ out from under her bedroom door and the music and the endless parade of guys and girls crawling in and out of her bedroom window. I can vividly remember thinking “I am not taking the fall for this shit” I would storm into her “pot and booze den” aka bedroom and tell her to knock it off before one of my parents woke up from the fumes or the noise. She typically complied. “Sweet” little me you ask? This is about the time that I think I developed such good negotiating skills and began to read body language like an expert. I could talk a serial killer off of death row and into probation!
Damn I still look back and think what in the hell did I think I was doing? I belonged to a “click” notoriously known for living on the edge and had the reputation of “don’t fuck with me”. I am sure now that it was a way of coping with having to tackle responsibilities beyond my years. And at some point I caved in..at 18 years old I married a person whom I know now to be a predator. He saw my weaknesses, he was and is a master manipulator. I stayed with him for 23 years! I can remember the dream I had about a week or so before my wedding. He and I walked down the isle and until the end of my dream I could only see the back of both of us. Then we got to the end and turned toward eachother and I saw two skeleton like figures staring at one another. If only I had gone by my gut and called off the wedding like everything in me was telling me to do who knows what those 23 years would have held for me.However, as I look back and into the mirror today I am “smarterwiser” for every good and bad thing that ever happened to me.
I value time, people and life in general. God knows I was self destructive as a teenager and just glad to be here today. Do I still break out every once in awhile..of course..it’s in my blood. Thus an ED nurse, anticipating the next emergency or crisis and constantly ready to react. Does this occasional break out time make me irresponsible? Not by any means. I am a committed person, I hold true to my core values, and I do my best to live my life respecting others.
Yes, you guessed it..I love my music. This song reminds me of “someone” that I know and brings a smile to my face when I remember how my pulse raced the first time he touched me and every other time for that matter.. I felt alive, safe and free to be me…what I wouldn’t give to feel that way again!
I am trying to remember what I tell others.Say what you need to say so that you may have one less regret. If the other embraces your words, forgives you for a mistake or tells you to go to Hell let that be their regret and not yours..
OK, so my laptop is getting ready to crash..I have sensitive material on it so not sure what to do about that. I just recently started my blog but I Love It! Sharing things with total strangers sometimes seems so much easier. With this being said, I hope to get a few more thoughts in before I go dormant for awhile.
It seems like my whole life is falling apart. Yes, I have a good job..for the most part I love being a nurse, I have a house which I am desperately trying to make a “home” . I have tried to be a good friend..but I have made some mistakes and tried to apologize for them. I made a decision a long time ago to live my life with passion and with heart. I let the ones I care about know how I feel and I try to keep my door open to anyone who feels like they need someone. I usually say what is on my mind, especially in the defense of those I care about. But honestly..where has this gotten me.
I am drained, exhausted. Since I was 15 years old I have been taking care of someone..family,friends and now as a nurse complete strangers. Today I realize that I have lost myself in taking care of others and really never took the time to care for myself. It has taken it’s toll. My best friend once said to me “I am so worried about you because you always take care of other people but who takes care of you”..answer NO ONE. I am not helpless, I am a grown adult..but it would be nice for someone to sincerely reach out to me with just a tight hug or “are you OK?” and really mean it. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Hell yeah..Do I feel guilty? Hell yeah..I am just being honest.
My life has not been near as hard as others, but it has been hard enough for me. A lot of lessons learned. I have chosen to learn from the bad times and put them away where they belong. Someone once told me that I can’t be “Superwoman” and I have tried. But what do you do when someone asks for your help or just to listen? God help me I have never been able to turn my back. It doesn’t seem right..it doesn’t feel right..I have thought about this endlessly and wondered how could any compassionate human being not be willing to help another? I think the answer is you cannot help when there is nothing left of yourself to give. I think I am there..I have reached out to those I care about and told them how I feel and there is nothing more I can do at this point except pray and ask God to send me an Angel.
Have I burned some bridges? Yep. Have I said things I regret? Sure. Can I take them back? No. Can I try to apologize? Sure. Does it make a difference? probably not.
Best friends since 4th grade. She is not strikingly beautiful, she is not super intelligent, she lives a simple unpretentious life. She is absolutely astonishing in my book. Never smoked, never drank..never indulged. She truly cares about others and tries to do the best she can. I love you for all you are and all that you are not. Thank you for being my lifetime friend. I love you and miss you dearly! I am sending you a prayer in the wind that you will always find happiness and joy in your life. You of all people deserve it!
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I stayed up late checking my emails, blogging (great therapy) and checking my FB (184 friends and counting) so that takes a while. I get a text this morning from a friend that says “I need a serious “Booty-call”. OMG! I haven’t heard that term in years! What in the hell am I supposed to do about that? Hook you up? Tell you to send out a mass email alerting all free and available guys? Advise you to restock your battery supply? Word..DO NOT text me or call me in the early morning to tell me what your needs are regarding intimacy. I haven’t had my coffee..I am not a morning person..and above all else I have my own issues!!! AND my office doesn’t open ’till noon! After then I am happy to listen.
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If there were ever a time or day that I just wanted to escape, to run away, to suspend my reality..today would be the day. Nothing seems to be going the way I planned or anticipated. Sometimes I just want to scream! I guess we all have those days and today just happens to be mine. I have gotten a few things done that I wanted to..things of top priority..but the rest is falling apart. Maybe I will pick up the pieces tomorrow, then again maybe I won’t..who knows. I will tell you a secret.. I am not the strong and sweet one all the time. We all need “someone”, and today I wish I had that “someone”.
It has been a quiet day, plenty of me time. Mondays are my downtime days after the weekend. My son is at his father’s so it can get pretty quiet. I usually spend the day running errands and doing stuff around the house. Today was nothing out of the ordinary. Went to the store, bank, talked to a few friends on the phone, got fired up and blogged a couple things. Tonight though is a little unusual. A little too quiet with plenty of time to think. I wrote a post a little while ago and talked about others feeling like they can tell me anything and wondering why. For those of you who read that last post I finally did call my sister and we talked..of course total girl stuff. It was not near as draining as I had anticipated. But she said something to me that really made me stop and think. It went something like “but you’re different, you’re so strong and you can deal with anything”. I cringe at the thought of her words. Like a “Louisville Slugger” it hit me in the gut and then it dawned on me that even my closest friends may think that I don’t need others. Yes, I am strong and opinionated and very passionate about life. I literally deal with life and death as a profession and sometimes I thrive on the thrill of things just for the hell of it. (it’s a personality trait practically required to work in the ED)
Don’t be fooled by the cover.
I think maybe it is exactly the opposite. It brings to mind the old saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. If I really am as strong as some may see me then I have been “near death” a million and one times. Maybe that is why I am so determined sometimes to tell others how I feel and how much one should appreciate life and all it’s gifts especially the people closest to you. And maybe that is why I feel like the time you have and the way you spend it should be carefully chosen.
And maybe it is because I have been there….I know what it is like to come just a breath away from losing it all and it only takes one time and you change forever. It doesn’t matter how I know, it just matters that I KNOW.
Gradually over time I have learned what my limits are, what I can and cannot handle. I have stumbled many a time but always managed to get back up. Honestly I believe it is the thought of those I love and care about and all of the what if’s and maybe’s that propelled me forward and continue to do so to this day. I have tried to learn to step back when it is time or to let things be when I think I have pushed too hard or said too much. But if I tell you once that I care then I damn well mean it. My time here on this earth is too precious and valuable to waste my breath. If I say I will be there if you need me I guarantee I will be there if humanly possible and I will always say what I need to say..from the heart.
Bottom line..the next time you think someone is so strong and independent that they don’t need you maybe that is the person that needs you the most. You gain strength from those around you. Every once in a while you’ll find a bad apple that will siphon a little of it but for the most part you can count your blessings and thank God for the little things in life, as well as, the big ones.
Call me if you can before 8- I need to tell you about ****
This is what his email said…”I can’t shake this feeling.****, I’m having a hard time coming up with words, when I saw your profile I was hit with a flood of emotions I still can’t shake. if you in any way I could see it in your heart to talk to me I would be so grateful. I just want to make amends for the mistakes in my life, it seems there’s been so many. I was so scared at the time of being in love with you I threw it away. it amazes me the feeling is still here. I’m asking for a chance at forgiveness. if I could see you again, even if you think it needs to be for the last time. I would cherish the moment for the rest of my life. Truthfully and sincerely hoping. Humbly your’s ****.” ….. OMG!!
This is the kinda stuff I get on a fairly regular basis from my twin sister (and others).I have edited names to try to maintain privacy. This is a message she got from a guy she knows. I am not a psychiatrist, licensed therapist, counselor or fortune teller. I am minding my own business and this pops up on my FB. What am I supposed to say to this? She wants advice on what to do. I have enough trouble making my way from day to day and I just don’t have the energy or guts to tell someone what to do with their life. I have burned enough bridges, especially lately, enough so that I am not comfortable giving anyone advice on anything especially when it comes to potentially breaking someones heart. People have always said I am a good listener and there is just something about me that they feel they can tell me anything. I am grateful that my friends and others feel like they can come to me but lately I have been struggling for words on what to say when someone asks me for my advice or anything for that matter. Is it because I am a nurse, is it because I have literally been through the ringer myself and have a lot of experience, is it because I have walked through darkness many a time alone to come out on the other side “smarterwiser“? Well, end of rant..guess I’ll call her………………
smarterwiser 