My soul was empty

As a nurse in the ED I more often than not have the burden of seeing the dark side of humanity. Today, first thing this morning was no different. She was beaten mercilessly by her “estranged husband”.  I prefer to more accurately define this thing as an animal with no right to breathe the same air that I do.

She had facial fractures, eyes were swollen shut; bruises all over her body. And the blood stains under her fingernails. She wept as I dressed her to go to a “safe place”. I do what I always do..I held her and tried to find the words to express my sympathy for her and the emptiness that I could feel in her soul.

I can only pray that she felt the gentleness of my touch and that she somehow knew that I truly cared.

Dear God, she was so badly beaten that I had to put clothes on her because she could not see from the swelling to her eyes and face.

How, I asked myself, could another human being be so evil as to do this to a woman who had given her love to him?

As always, this will stay with me for days to come.

“Please Lord..help me comfort the broken hearts and souls that I see..let them find peace somehow, someway.”

It’s time to go back

It is time to go back..not to that person or that place; it’s time to go back to me.

Quiet and thoughtful.

Funny  and witty.

Thankful and hopeful.

With eyes wide open.

With fear in my heart and a prayer in my soul.

It is so still in the dark, I can hear my own heartbeat.

Thankful for the journey so far.

Praying for the path ahead.

Letting the tears drift in the wind.

I will go back, but never forget the path I took to get here. For the most part alone and for the best part with a friend.

Thank you God for all of the stars in my sky….

That’s me..thats Cindy.

I will go back with no regrets; even if I fall.

Every Girl

I think every girl wants to be someone else’s angel.

Happy Birthday

Today is my mother’s birthday.  She’s not here..maybe she can hear me..

Happy Birthday, I love you.

Never Again..

Last night I went to dinner at a local restaurant with a friend of mine. I was the Designated Driver. I had no alcohol to drink but now I wish I had been lit up like a Christmas tree, maybe I could forget what happened.  I have worked with this girl for over 3 years and just recently we started making plans to meet up once a week and just have girl night. But this time her guy #1 shows up. That should have tipped me off sooner.  WTH is guy #1?! How many are there?

 It is 0230 in the morning and I still can’t sleep. Guy #1 is without a doubt the biggest jerk I have ever met!  They both had several drinks..not good. This guy is supposed to be some covert affair she is having. It turns out that I know him from work..thus the covert part.  He begins to tell me how hot I am and just doesn’t know when to stop. And what do I do? I drive them downtown to drink more. How stupid (yes, I said stupid) could I have been! During this time, mind you right in front of her, he continues to tell me how hot I am and then some. I try to stay busy texting a friend telling him what is going on hoping that eventually this guy will know I am not interested and that my friend might finally see what a jerk he is and leave his sorry ass at the bar! Does this happen? No. The final straw was when he grabbed me by the shirt..she slapped him and right before my eyes turns around and pretty much begs him to leave with us..Holy sh@#!

What was she thinking? I asked her. She said she felt sorry for him and that she didn’t just want to leave him downtown. I tried to tell her what an ass he was but it was like she was blind as a bat to it! And all the while he keeps coming after me..can’t shut up for the love of money.  I finally just told both of them I had enough and dropped them back off at the restaurant.

It has been a long while since I let anyone embarrass or  be little me like that..Oh yeah, and to add to it I think, or at least hope, my friend on the other end of my texts thought I was joking (or just drunk). I did the walk of shame into my house.

Never Again..

By the way..I took her keys and called them a cab before I left them at the restaurant. That part was probably the only not Stupid thing I did last night!

Fate

I have learned over the last several days that you can’t change or tempt fate..no matter how bad you want to!

The Power of Touch and Prayer

As a mother, a nurse and a friend I believe in the” power of touch”. It is not miraculous, God takes care of that, but it is powerful. Close your eyes and imagine the energy and strength of your love moving from your heart and soul to your fingertips. The warmth, the power can be incredible if you make it so.  It takes great sincerity but it is real in every sense of the word.  You must truly believe in yourself and your love for another in order to share a special touch with another human being. I have held and touched my child, my loved ones and the dying and I swear you can feel the energy of your spirit speaking to the other through a touch.  “I love you and care for you and would go to the end of the Earth to express this. I pray that you will know the love that I hold for you through my touch.”

Yesterday was very exhausting at work. I came home and took a power nap and then half awake called and checked on a couple of friends. While I was napping I had a dream and this “power of touch” was at the forefront.

I remember well touching my mother and father as they lay dying. I held their hands, stroked their cheek and glided my fingertips over their face  and willed the power of my  love to move through my fingers to their very soul. To this day I have faith and true belief that it was so and that they felt my soul reach out to theirs.

It was time to let go..”it is ok, I will be fine”. Giving the permission to let go and give them back to God and trusting in God was the hardest thing I have ever done. “May you find yourself in the arms of the Angel tonight”.

I had been given the blessing of life through these two people by the grace of God and it was not the time to be selfish.  I truly believe each of us knows when the time is right to let go and let God take over. There comes a time when it is no longer about us individually but it is about something much greater, a greater plan which requires faith and hope.

Sometimes distance does not allow us to “touch” our loved one and that is when prayer plays the biggest role. “Lord, please allow me to share my strength with my loved one and let them feel and know just how special they are and know that they are truly loved by me. This is my solemn prayer”.

Yes, I may have a nose ring and tattoos but I am a prayerful person and honestly believe in the “power of touch”.

Prayer is not asking.

Prayer is putting oneself

in the hands of God,

at his diposition,

and listening to his voice

in the depths of our hearts.

-Mother Teresa-

Oh no he “didn’t”!

Some of us newer simple minded iPhone4 owners I suppose would fit into the generalization of “cheese eating surrender monkeys” who obviously pretend to express individuality and purely want a phone to make a fashion statement. However, there a handful of  “cheese eating surrender monkeys” that don’t give a rats ass about apps other than texting and Youtube which my phone does just fine considering the fact that my last Samsung piece of crap allowed texting with one finger and damn sure didn’t get Youtube. Next time I will be sure to call the Fashion Police and an IT Guru to approve my choice of a simple friggin’ phone.  I made the choice to get what I did, not Apple. I could care less if the little old lady next door had the same phone as I do..it is a phone, paid a good price and it suits my simple “cheese eating surrender monkey” needs. Now, if  it only spit out a chunk of well aged Swiss I would be more than ecstatic!

The Nose Ring

Yep, done, did it and don’t care what others think. You see, I have been wavering a few days about getting a nose ring, then I went out to eat with my friend who just got hers and it hit me “I am wavering because of what others might think”. Hell no, not me.  I broke the sound barrier getting to Pain and Wonder to have it done! It is not actually a ring. It is a small diamond-like stud in the right nostril, really only that noticeable when the light shines on it.  Statement? yeah.  I can’t live my life worried about what others think.  Sexy, kinda wild, breaking bad… whatever.  I am glad I did it and if others don’t like it, well it’s my life..I did it ’cause I could! Among other things I have done just ’cause I could.

My Dream

My hope is that you have someone truly special in your life..