Truth

God, this is so hard. Admitting I am weak and not as strong as others think. I have been dragging out my divorce for so long I can’t even count the months.  Why can’t I be stronger? Maybe it is because I am human.  I have always felt responsible for others.  Why can’t I just do it? I don’t like him and I sure as hell don’t love him like a wife should.  Well, I pushed back last week and it felt good.  I am so tired of being the peacemaker, the “one who is sweet” and I know in my mind that I am the only one who can change that.  Why is it so hard this time…. I can’t figure it out.

I am a very passionate person and I believe in living and truly caring and taking care of those you love.  That, I am sure, is why I am a nurse.

I can only say I am sorry for those I have hurt and look upward for guidance.

I don’t think I will ever be able to say truly what I feel, but I never thought I would care for someone so much and yet I do.  The bright star in my sky..a truly good and kind person.  It is time to get things done and not look back.  I only know a few things now..I love my child with every breath I take, I am here to help others, and I love those around me who have stuck with me through thick and thin.

I am a helper and healer, I think I just need to face the fact that I need to help myself and heal myself…I hope that makes sense.

For those of you who are struggling..I know what it is like.  I have a nice savings but I won’t touch it. It is for my son.

I know what it is like to come home and have noodle soup for dinner. Yes me, the nurse who gets paid “the big bucks” .  All to make sure you can pay the bills and take care of your child the way they deserve. It is no easy task, but you do it because you are a mother and you love your child with every beat of your heart. You love those around you and there is no sacrifice you shouldn’t be willing to take for those you love. I live by that statement and I always will.

To those of you who are going through what I am, look above and not below..

Look forward and not behind..

Give in and let go..but don’t give up!

All my love, Smarterwiser

 

Alone

I am beginning to hate the holidays for no good reason.  Sometimes I feel so empty. And today was no better. I agreed to meet my estranged husband (a polite term for him) at the Academy to buy my son some Christmas presents. As we were walking out I saw my good friend Kathy and she looked at me so disgusted.  God, I felt like I had to drop everything and explain to her that I only met HIM at the store to buy a present for my son.  I felt so a ashamed.  I was not “with” HIM but only met him there and still I felt a twinge of humiliation.  You see, HE made a little more than a pass at my twin sister..why can’t I be a “bitch”?! Lord help me that is just not a part of who I am.  The divorce has been dragging out because HE says HE is broke and has no where to go so I feel sorry for HIM.  What the hell is wrong with me??? I have no clue.  I was supposed to go to my twin sisters for Thanksgiving and I ended up home alone because she felt “sick”. Now she is headed off to her friend Scotts.

I hate feeling like this.  I feel alone and empty. GOD, please take me thru the darkness and let me come out on the other side whole and not feeling lonely.

P.S. I am not necessarily a Dolly Parton fan but I swear this song seems so appropriate!

Yours truly

SMARTERWISER?