The daughter that I never held

I tend to blog in spurts so here goes. Pickle’s call (previous blog) has brought up alot of emotions for me. Just when you think you are beginning to know someone, you may realize that there is more than you thought.

I had just finished Nursing School and beginning a new phase of my life when my world crumbled.

I am sharing this with you not just to let it go but to try and continue the healing.

I was 12 weeks pregnant and I lost her. Yes, my child was a girl I am certain. No medical technology or other sophisticated equipment necessary. I knew.

I was in Dr. Goggins office alone when he told me there was no heartbeat.

The very life drained from me and all I could do was stand there and wonder what did I do wrong?

I swear it took me 30 minutes or more to compose myself enough to walk out and make the drive home.

My husband at the time was no consolation. I had just lost my child and he acted as if I had just lost a shoe.

I do not ever remember feeling so alone and lost.

Life is full of drama and the unexpected so treat each day as if it may be your last. Give those you love a big hug, hold your children tightly and say what you need to say!

“Pickle”

Pickle is his nickname. I started calling him that when he began his career as a Firefighter/Paramedic. He always seems to get himself into situations that are well, unbelievable!

He called me this evening to check on me and we chatted for the longest time. He says he loves me so much because I have no “filter” (for the most part) and say pretty much what I want when I want. Yes, that I think pretty much sums me up! Problem is sometimes I don’t know when to stop…I guess that is part of why I blog.

Anyway, Pickle and I catch up on IM and texting fairly regularly but tonight was different. It is funny how in this world of technology driven communication we tend to lose touch of those more special moments that only come across with the tone or inflection of someones voice while you are actually speaking with them.

I could detect it as he spoke..something was on his mind. And of course me, being me, told him to spill it!

He did.

“I’m gonna be a Daddy”! You could have knocked me over with a feather! You see Pickle is not exactly what I would call the fatherly type at first glance. He has always been a sort of playboy if you will. Tall, dark, muscular and without a doubt the proverbial “ladies man”.

He has always called me “mama Cindy” because he knew his shit wouldn’t fly with me the first time we met, that is how we became such good friends.

Anyway, back to our conversation.. After I came back to my senses and we talked I saw a new side to this young man that I have not seen before. Committed, determined, accepting, and so much more. But not for himself this time but for the little life he has helped create. Full of questions and fear but grounded in his dedication to his child without a doubt.

In the midst of him asking many questions I reminded him that he always asks me about my son and sincerely wants to know what is going on in his life. He has given me so much good “guy” advice..football, girls etc.

Pickle, I am certain that you will be a great Father..and there is a difference. Any man can help create life but a true and loving Father nurtures it with the love that only a true parent can. And you will. I have no doubt! And yes I will be there for you as always.

I am proud to say that I will be a Godmother to a child that will surely steal my heart!