Reflection

Why do I blog so much? Because I have a lot to say. It’s like my mind races sometimes and I need an outlet and this is it.

Tonight my son is playing with his best friend. They are in his room watching a movie as I type and to my pleasant suprise not attempting to kill one another.

I sent a friend a “e card” that said I was going to try to be more positive and less dramatic in the New Year.  Jokingly it included a comment that I would most likely mess up my resolutions pretty quickly.  But I hope I won’t.

I am thinking about this past year and some of the people and things that I have lost along the way. My mom, my dad, my best friend Londa,my marriage of 24 years, and my best canine friend, my beautiful Lab/Great Pyrenees mix. The things are important too.. my self confidence, my enthusiasm, my courage, my energy, my will (at times).

As I think of these loses I have to remind myself that things could always have been worse.

Londa comes to my mind first. Lord she was fiesty and beautiful! We were friends for about 8 years before her accident. She has a little girl who is not so little anymore. Nicki, she is 15 now and  just as beautiful as her mom.  Londa was driving one evening to pick up her daughter at daycare and was rearended by a man in a pick up truck that had passed out at the wheel because he had taken too many pills.

She was instantly paralysed. Londa, my fiesty best friend was now a quadraplegic. She had this thing that she would do with her fingers all the time, nervous habit or just flat out release of energy. I found myself and, still do, mimicking her as I think of her.

I would go to visit her at Shepherd Spinal Center twice a week while she was recovering. God, the first thing I thought of was the fact that she would never feel her daughters touch again or hold her without help..Nicki was just a baby.

Londa lived for several years after her accident then finally died when she couldn’t fight another bout of pneumonia.

My mom and dad are in Arlington Cemetary.  I was able to spend time with both of them up until the moment of their death.

I was with my mom in her hospital room when she died of complications related to Heart Failure. The night before she died I slept in the recliner by her bed at the hospital she was in at Kennasaw.  I had fed her peaches and she had sat on side of the bed.

My dad died in a hospital bed in my home.  I took care of him for a month while he was on Hospice. He died of complications related to prostate and thyroid cancer.  The day he died my twin sister and one of my older sisters were here with me and my dad.

That day was difficult as were the days leading up to his death. I was the nurse in the family so naturally all the questions and the personal care came my way. I can remember some of the times very vividly and the others not so much. I remember the first time I put a condom cath on my dad. I remember the first time I gave him his first dose of Morphine and stayed up all night with him as the hallucinations got the best of both of us.

The afternoon he died I knew there was a change and the time was near.  My twin sister and one of my older sisters were here with me. I could tell by his breathing and his irregular heart beat that it wouldn’t be long..what I did not expect was when he stopped breathing my sisters asked me to listen for a hearbeat to make sure the Hospice nurse was right, that he really was gone. I did it ablidgingly but to this day I regret it.  I was the one to tell my sisters he was really gone, without mistake.

I remember going to the neighbors next door. They had a 5 year old little girl who was home and often played outside and I told them that the funeral home would be coming soon and they may choose to keep her inside for a bit and not be outside as my dads body was taken out of the house. Why did I think to do that? I still don’t know.

As for the end of my marriage, honestly not worth my time talking about.

My canine friend kept me company for the few years that I was alone while my estranged husband was in Bosnia, Iraq and Afganistan. He was all of 150lbs and thought he was still a lap dog. A gentle giant. He took up half the bed at night when we fell asleep. He stayed by my side through thick and thin and never talked back! He was absolutely beautiful, inside and out. Faithful and loyal until the day he died.

As far as the things that I lost..I am slowly gaining those back. I guess it just takes time.

As for the things I gained this past year, I am forever greatful. Wonderful friends, a healthy son, and the chance to open my heart again without regret.

What a year, what a decade.

I wonder what this next year will bring?

SMARTERWISER