This is probably going to be TMI. I am giving you fair warning in advance. You may choose to read this or not, but if I do not let it go it is going to be my undoing.
Yes, I am full of drama (you have figured that out by now). You never know what is about to come out of my mouth (lack of a filter as I get older) but this is without a doubt the greatest burden I carry. I have to at least get this out. I am very passionate about a few things in my life, as you know. As I have said over and over “you only have one go around and that’s it”
What is the most important thing you will ever do in your life?
For me it was and always will be giving birth to another human being and to know that you are their sole protector..you are it, it all falls on you and you either embrace it or let it go. As far as I am concerned if you let it go then you have no right to exist and you sure as hell have no right to receive such a blessing. I prayed every night that I would do the right thing and I would be able to live up to such high expectations.
He was due on Thanksgiving day 2004. It was a high risk pregnancy, I was asked, because of my age, if I wanted the testing for Downs syndrome. You are going to poke a needle in my belly where my baby is and take the risk of something happening just so I can decide if I want to go full term or abort if it is a Downs baby? No way, that is not my decision. God decided this before I ever came along so we will let him finish it the way he sees fit!
November the 8th, I went for another ultrasound..”You are going to have this baby tomorrow first thing in the morning”. WTF? My son had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice (double nuchal cord) for awhile. I was oblivious..Dr. Goggin’s and my ex decided not to tell me because it would be too much on me. The amniotic fluid was very low. Joshua was coming tomorrow, ready or not!
November the 9th, my son was born. C-section with an epidural and all the drama. My blood pressure bottomed out, I felt like I couldn’t breathe..The OR team was awesome! I remember shaking to the point that I thought I was going to fall off the table..they had it so under control!
I was scared to death, lying on the OR table, a nurse hands me this newborn wrapped up and with a little cap on. MY SON! a tiny little human being..my life would and never will be the same. I actually had a son!
The days to follow are somewhat of a blur..Gerry left for Iraq when he was a week old, I can remember being so tired, laying on the sofa one day while Sandy helped me with Joshua..I imagined seeing cats flying in the air in front of me..I was exhausted..
Eventually things got better and I got some rest thanks to my sister and wonderful friends.
I tried to nurse but he just wouldn’t latch on,I felt like a failure. I pumped until I thought my breast would fly off and go shooting across the dining room (yep, part of the TMI I told you about). I was eventually able to give him the colostrum he needed for the antibodies and then the bottles worked their magic..He fed so well and was a chubby little guy.
I look back now and think “what a miracle”.
Today I feel such a TREMENDOUS sense of guilt..I say he is my World..then why am I not willing to sacrifice myself in an unhealthy and unhappy marriage in order to give him the sense of security that he so deserves?
I think the answer is that I am his protector. I am his MOTHER. It is my responsibility to see that he is taken care of. It is my responsibility as a MOTHER to see that my son is given every chance to flourish.
But I find myself repeating this over and over..I cannot do my duty as a MOTHER if I am not whole..he deserves that at the very least.
I pray that this is true and I am not ruining my son in spite of my own selfishness..
It seems as though in today’s society there are so many children taken for granted, so many left to fend for themselves..emotionally and financially.
My son will not be one of those!
Please God let him understand that I have to do this..I am going to do this..but most of all let him understand that I love him more than life itself. I will protect him, I will always take care of him..
smarterwiser 