Grab The Sun With Heliostats!

Yesterday was pretty difficult. Lots of reflection and regret, so today I decided to engage in what is commonly called “light therapy”. Also known as Heliotherapy. The benefits have been scientifically documented.

You may use an artificial light source or the full spectrum of the sun itself. It can work wonders including but not limited to benefiting those with skin disorders , sleep disorders and depression.

As I lay here in the sun letting the warm rays envelope me I feel a sense of calm and order in my little world… A sense of self and belonging.

It is a good day..

Dear God

Dear God, I am sitting in my front yard admiring this beautiful spring day. The trees and flowers are blooming and the birds are singing.

I respectfully ask you why do I feel so empty inside?

I have no choice but to wait for you to find me.

My Last Words..

I have had 2,856 views on my blog. I am so grateful for that. For the longest time I had been wanting to say and write what I feel. Then someone came into my life and gave me direction..blogging.

I embraced it wholeheartedly with the intention of being fearless and saying what I think and what I truly believe. I did that for the most part with only the intention of expressing my views and maybe along the way sharing a part of me.

Until one day not so long ago..I let words take away one of the brightest parts of my life. My honesty and yes, poorly chosen words, hurt and angered someone that I deeply cared for, admired and respected.

As I sit here, I realize that my words hurt and/or angered someone else that I adored and that is unacceptable. My intention is to just be human, nothing more nothing less. A feeble attempt at expressing who I am, where I’ve been and where I hope to go.

It is so true that words themselves have tremendous power and thus very heavy implications. I have learned that the hard way.

You can’t take them back, all you can deal with is what is left behind. In essence, you learn the hard way..that your words can shatter the very things you wanted to protect..and when you realize this it may very well be too late.

No one ever said that words had to be kind, but they should be respectful and somehow I overlooked that and forged ahead with all I had. A mistake I will forever regret.

However these words will stay with me and hopefully I will learn from them:

“God determines who walks into your life…YOU decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.”

 

 

 

Dinner For One

A place set for one at the table. A drink in one hand her iPhone in the other .

What are they looking at?
Questions: Why is she eating alone? She must be waiting for someone? Surely this somewhat lovely woman is not eating alone?

Answer : yes she is eating alone. No, she is waiting for no one. At least not anymore.

I suspect she is making a trial run at many more dinners alone..

BARE NAKED

I love to write and it is the one way that I know how to begin to express myself without regret, for the most part.

After pondering the implications of being absolutely truthful I find it a necessity to say what I think at this time in my life.

You see, I am just now beginning to understand healing and what it is I need to do for myself to mend the broken pieces that are repairable and to discard the ones that are not.

Just shy of two years ago my life as I knew it spun out of control..a whirlwind of intense emotion and pain that I never knew was possible in my lifetime.

My mind forgot how to rationalize, my body lost all sense of feeling..only knowing numbness. My spirit was ripped in half and my soul slowly died as each minute passed.

The two people most dearest to me betrayed me in every sense of the word.

In essence..the trusting, loving, forgiving me would never be the same again.

As I take the time to reflect on the past I realize it is time for a sort of “comming to terms” moment.

Painful things can and will most certainly happen that you, yourself have no control over.. I have discovered that’s just a part of life.

At this point, forgiving myself for not being able to readily forgive others is the first step. Then understanding that it’s ok and part of the grief process to find your own pace.

And finally, knowing, really knowing, it is safe to trust another is the ultimate test for me.

There are those I called “friend” who decided that I was, for whatever reason, not worthy of forgiveness. And then there are FRIENDS that know me well enough to understand that I am human, not perfect by far, just like themselves.

I just needed time and patience. I still do.

But what a gift..to give someone your precious time to let you heal in your own way, without judgement, without expectation.

“Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave” (INDIRA GANDHI)

 

Today I choose to be brave…

 

 

FU$& YOU!!

Know this.. I have an 8 year old son. I hear every little noise in the night. Sometimes I get scared. But then I take a deep breath and I am sure I know my strength.

To those in Boston, I cannot begin to imagine your fear. But please know you have an entire Country praying for you.

Because of your strength, which you will find very shortly, I refuse to live in fear. I will carry my son in tow and go about my daily business. I refuse to let anyone take that freedom away.

Here this.. We, as Americans, are more resiliant than you know. WE WILL prevail!

We are more than you could ever imagine! More than you will ever be, despite your pathetic efforts !

Every time you try to strike fear in our hearts , you strengthen our will!!

Know that as fact and by the way ..

FUCK YOU!!

WRONG

As she said “be wrong in all the right ways!”

A Voice

You have one voice..good,bad,indifferent at times. Those who love you know that and accept that for all it’s worth.

Your intentions are not cruel. It is merely another thread of what makes you who you are.

The fabric of our lives..

Hands

He took her hand. Just that simple. Her fears disappeared. She knew she was safe. Her heart, her mind, her body, her soul.. She WAS safe this time… Right on time.

STUPID

You used to be STUPID? Bless your heart! Just sayin…