The Gift

It feels like forever since I’ve blogged. Years ago I had a very special friend who suggested it. I am forever grateful for that. If you take the time to look back through my writings they are a true portrait of where I was at that point in my life. Some were sassy, humorous and some were my attempt at expressing my true emotions and mind set.

I find myself coming back to my site having a need to just express where I am today and what I hope for.

The last several years have been fraught with celebrations, disappointments and struggles . I remind myself that these experiences are not unique, just very personal. We are all navigating life as it unfolds.

Today, for whatever reason, I am compelled to share my thoughts. I am almost 52 years old with a 16 year old son. I have a precious canine companion named Ollie who has, unbeknownst to him, been my savior of sorts. He can be a “hot mess”, Terrier/Beagle mix, but at the same time very loving and lately I’ve noticed his intuitiveness. He now follows me almost everywhere in my apartment and lays by me at bedtime as if sensing my need for comfort and assuring me he is “there”. (As I am writing this he is laying, on his own, in his crate with the door open, beside me). Sort of unusual for him to go into his crate willingly without coaching. My first thought is both of us need some type of reassurance, comfort and sense of safety.

As of this past June, the department I worked in as an RN, “restructured” due to Covid. I found myself unemployed and quite frankly lost. In my 20 year career I had never experienced being unemployed. With RA and at my age I didn’t feel as though I would fit back into bedside nursing, which has been the greater part of my career. I had finally made it into a position in which I had my own office and various responsibilities. I was in my “zone” for a lack of better words. Then poof..it was gone. Looking back, I had complained about umpteen things and now would take all of it back in a heartbeat. A few opportunities later and still trying to find the “right fit”.

While I was still employed I was caring for my identical twin sister who had multiple surgeries r/t a motorbike accident. I pushed through, often times exhausted, but helping out of a sense of obligation and as the “nurse” in the family. But also mindful of the sense of “what if this were me”? I’d be lost without someone willing to help . I could see and sense her fear and she was grateful and expressed that many times. In hindsight, I would not have done anything differently.

Fast forward to current..my son, after many years of playing baseball, currently a freshman in HS with recent Tommy John surgery, has decided to “take a break” from playing. As a mom, I was alarmed..”what is really going on”? After lengthy talks, which I felt were sincere, his Dad and I allowed him to make his own decision. With the understanding he would keep his grades acceptable, continue to work on the weekends and not be sedentary. So far, he has taken on the responsibility of talking with his coach and teammates and everyone seems on board and accepting of his decision. Next season awaits. I guess we’ll see. It’s heartbreaking because he is so talented but at the same time I was honestly grateful he felt as though he was able to freely talk about where he was, what he felt and what he needed. Something I’ve always encouraged. It wasn’t some type of “feel good” kind of thing. He was articulate enough to be honest and forthright and took on the responsibility of following through with his decision. He demonstrated his strength of character and for that I am proud. He’s a sort of rough and tumble kid. Not afraid to dig in and get the job done. My prayer is that mindset will continue to serve him well. Which leads me to the next most important issue…

During the turmoil of the recent months I tended to take my frustrations out on others. Finding faults, making unpleasant, hurtful comments, etc. The person that I most alienated was the one who had taught me that unpleasant behaviors are most likely “projection”. I was trying to find fault in those around me because I already had recognized those traits in me and was unwilling to accept them. What a huge lesson. Unfortunately, my actions cost me the loss of a person I loved and cared about deeply. One person can only take so much. There comes a time when saying I’m sorry is redundant and meaningless. Just words.

In today’s world, as complicated and stressful as it is, my hope is to really learn from these experiences. I like to believe that we are not free of what may haunt us until we truly learn why we chose to cope the way we did and in the end choose a better path the next time. And I am sure there will be a “next time”.

Such is life..we live and learn. I think the key is to honestly learn from our experiences, take them as the gifts that they are.

Namaste

Santa and GOD

Christmas time comes but once a year. A celebration of the birth of Christ. Typically marked as a time for family, friends and worship. A time for thankfulness and sharing. The exchange of gifts beautifully decorated, goodies so delectable and irresistible that many vow to burn up hours and pounds and dollars in the local gym beginning the first of the New Year.

As the years have passed the way I celebrate Christmas has evolved. Shaped by time and life changes.

As a child I remember sharing Christmas with my twin sister. The living room was divided in two. One side mine, one side hers. I still vividly remember one year that Santa brought the “Barbie’s Friendship Airplane”, WOOHOO! I can even recall the smell of it. Latex, plastic.. who knows what it was made of but it is still a very strong sensory memory.

Fast forward…

Sometime in my “tween years”, the realization that there may not be a Santa Clause after all.

Tonight…

My quite mature and awesomely cool 11 year old son asked me “Mom, do you still believe in Santa Clause?” I paused and then told him I choose to still believe that maybe there is a Santa Clause. No firm commitment either way on my part but definitely a sense of hope. He looked at me as if to say “are you serious?” I got the overwhelming feeling that he was satisfied with my answer. The look on his face gave me the impression that he was somewhat hopeful and maybe even relieved.

This year I will celebrate Christmas with friends and coworkers. A modest 4 ft. artificial tree and a few gifts with less than elegant wrapping that I used to spend hours on.

My parents passed several years ago and I have strained relationships with two out of three of my sisters, including my identical twin. I struggle at times with not having much family during Holidays. A sense of longing for years past and a loneliness that is kind of difficult to pinpoint. But Then there is my son’s question about Santa Clause………

Well I can tell you this much honestly…

I believe in miracles.

I believe in grace and foregiveness.

I believe in love.

I believe in the goodness of others.

I believe in the power of prayer.

I believe in all of these things… I cannot tangibly sense the giver of these gifts. But I am certain they are very real. They are real because I am alive and reasonably well and a functional, productive part of society. They are real because when I almost gave up on life a power greater than mine intervened, reminded me of the blessings, like my son, that he has given me and faith forged a path for me that I never would have imagined. GOD knelt down from heaven, picked up the pieces and breathed life into what felt like dying shards of my soul. God brought wonderful people into my life and worked his miracles through many of them.

I digress… Yes son, Santa Clause is a real possibility if hope in a jolly old white bearded man in a red suit with reindeer and a sleigh fills your heart with love and excitement, your spirit with joy and hope and brings the possibility of experiencing the many wonders in life, even though you may never actually tangibly sense him, yes baby, believe to your hearts desire!

My prayers tonight will include that hope through a child’s eyes strengthens faith and that faith leads you to continuing your walk with GOD, and a certainty that you are my greatest gift and one of GODS unique miracles. AND that you will respect yourself and others as such priceless treasures.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A kiss

Sometimes at night I lay down and ask God to take me there. I stand beside his bed, lean over and gently kiss him on the cheek. I whisper “I love you, I miss you and thank you”.

Road Worthy

Yes, I am a traveler of sorts. You see I am on this journey called life. I can see my destination and plot my course accordingly (or so I think). But just like any road there are twists and turns, deadends and construction zones. At times I have to make a u turn and go back. At times I am “led” to take a left instead of a right at the fork in the road. At times I have to cross a rickety, unsteady bridge to get to the other side and at times I just have to stop and try to make sure I am reading the map correctly. I’ve lost people and things along the way but when I stop at the rest area I invariably find that I’ve picked up a few new treasured gifts and momentos.
When I’ve reached my destination and my journey is complete I hope to be able to say “I’m home and look at the wonderful memories I’ve brought with me”…

My Christmas Gift

It’s been over four months since I’ve posted here. So much has changed. I have missed my followers and the sense of release l felt when I shared my thoughts.
Looking back, my last post was so true and to the point. You can run from a lot of things but not yourself. That’s what I had been doing for many years. I was my own worst critic and enemy. A standard of sorts that I think is true for many.
You see I developed some very unhealthy coping skills as I matured. In doing so, I learned to feel ugly. I learned to feel stupid. I learned to feel worthless. I learned how to hide in plain site. I learned how to fake “being fine”. Eventually I learned to not feel at all. I found the greatest anesthetic of all. Alcohol. It worked until it too became an enemy.
I found myself at the end. No more answers, no more quick fixes, no more “I’ll deal with it tomorrow’s”.
I felt paralyzed. How could I possibly live without my anesthetic? Yet I knew it would kill me eventually. “Dear God, please help me. I’m so lost. PLEASE help me…
I remember thinking “is there really a God? I don’t know, but this is all I have left to do.. Pray. What do you have to lose? Absolutely nothing.”
Sometimes it seems like an eternity ago and then sometimes it seems just like yesterday.
A total and complete sense of Powerlessness. Defeat. Emptiness. Loneliness. Despair.
I remembered a friend had suggested that I “crawl up in God’s lap and rest awhile”. That’s what I prayed for. That’s what happened.
After weeks of treatment and now active recovery and AA, I look back and know for absolute certainty that God, my higher power, whom I choose to believe is my Devine Savior, heard my prayer as I was on my knees in the dark and alone.
He knew all along it would take a miracle for me to believe and have true faith. He knew I would walk to the edge.. And that he would catch me. I’m certain.
Today I am living and feeling for the first time in a very long time. Feeling, at times can be painful, but now I have the tools to cope productively if I choose to use them. Notice I said CHOOSE. That concept can still be difficult. Reality is that life comes at you constantly and in many, but not all, circumstances I have the power to head off disaster if I make a decision not to be the victim. I cannot control your actions but I can control my own. How I choose to deal with how you affect my life is up to me not you.
Am I a religious fanatic? Umm not by far. I Identify with no particular religion. My concept of God and Jesus? One in the same. I rarely go to Church on Sunday and I wouldn’t dare try to quote anything from the Bible other than The Lords Prayer.
I suppose some pious Christian could argue with me that the former admissions do not qualify me to be considered a “true” believer. And that is fine by me. I lived through the darkness and saw HIS light with my own eyes, felt it with my own spirit.
What I am certain of is that this Christmas I will honestly celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior. It is a miracle in itself that I am able to have a really crappy week, not take a drink and somehow wind up in a place of peace with myself and my life.
An hour ago I was restless, sad, a little emotional. I looked through my “tool box”, used what I could find, and made a decision to “crawl in God’s lap and rest awhile”. (turn things over to HIM by faith).
I am at peace. I will lay my head on my pillow tonight, as I did last night and the night before and thank GOD for one more sober day. One more day, period.

Thank you GOD for all that you are to me.
Very, very real!

A First Step

One of the first steps to change is realizing that you can run from just about anyone or anything except yourself…

How I Choose

After reading this I initially felt a sense of frustration. I had to stop for a minute and really think of why this caused such a reaction. I hope in the following post I can effectively articulate my thoughts.

“Everything” and ” every” jumped out first. What global, black and white, all encompassing choice of words. Writer beware.. In my opinion once these words are chosen I immediately sense a single minded view just possibly influenced by little understanding, tolerance, and acceptance.

“Everything you do is based on the choices you make. It’s not your parents, your past relationships, your job, the economy, the weather, an argument, or your age that is to blame.”

Writer please tell me if you take genetics, basic brain physiology, and life experience out of the equation, what’s left? What pray tell do you base a choice or decision on? A simple knee jerk reaction? Thank God that is not how I exist. Neither do you. Like it or not before birth your brain was hard wired to take all of these life experiences into account, storing them as memory for the purpose of recall in order to afford you the ability to make decisions and choices.

“You and only you are responsible for every decision and choice you make. Period.”

If I find that I make a poor choice or decision, yes I like to think that I take responsibility for it. But as it happens, in the world I live in, there are those people compassionate enough to help me shoulder some of that weight when I do make a poor choice or decision. You ask.. Then why make a poor choice or decision? Because I am neither Devine or Omnipotent, by the grace of God only human. It is also a by product of basic learning behavior. My brain is wired to react based upon stored memories. Yours is too. Like it or not. Again, basic human biology. Additionally I have not lived in a bubble for 44 years .

Finally “blame”. Interesting word. I’m curious, why this ‘choice’?

My head hurts now. Too much thinking? Nah. All in all this passage strikes me as a form of diverting the age old notion of being your brothers keeper. You and only you..Diverting responsibility for directly or indirectly influencing another’s choice or decision based on your own actions, inactions,words or silence. Conveniently “passing the buck”?

And again, the passage completely negates the factual structure and function of the brain itself.

I prefer this..

You are responsible for the decisions and choices you make based on your life experiences and the influences around you. As fact, you are stuck with your particular brain biology and chemistry to a great extent. Whenever possible take a second to reflect on your personal circumstances before making a choice or decision. Understand that sometimes you are born with flawed genetics and grow up in a less than ideal environment. I see that. Although I am not willing to let you escape responsibility for your choices/decisions I will consider helping shoulder some of the burden or at least try to understand the foundation the choice/decision was based upon. I do this because I CHOOSE to remain very aware of the human condition and all it’s imperfections.

Merely existing is black and white. Right or wrong. Experiencing life and living is full of gray. Packed full of opportunities and valuable lessons.

The Test

If you don’t know me you have no reason to judge me.

If you think you know me you have no right to judge me.

If you honestly believe you know me you have no clear conscious if you still choose to judge me.

By the time you’ve read this, I have made the choice not to judge you, at the very least try not to.

What I will do is try my best to walk beside you down your path if you ask me to. Basking with you in the sun during those periods of light and holding your hand in those periods of darkness when you can’t seem to get a good foot hold. Even if I cannot lead you I damn sure will try my best to help pick you up when you fall.

It’s not by strength, but a true desire for sympathy and empathy, to not treat you the way I have been treated.

A test I have been given everyday of my entire life, failed at a thousand times yet continue to study for. A test of patience and understanding. A test of humility. A test of love.

You’ve taken it to. If you claim to know all the correct answers please tell me and I can prepare for time to stand still and for every single thing in this world to be right.

Excuse Me if I Call Bullshit

If I have one more seemingly well intentioned person try to convince me that being OK with being alone is some self serving monumental quest to becoming “comfortable with yourself” I swear my head with begin to spin uncontrollably while I spew out a vile green vomit!

Enough! I loathe that “canned answer” with a passion!

I make a distinction between solitude, alone and lonely. Seemingly so does a large part of society.

In short, my definition of solitude is the time spent with yourself gathering your thoughts, praying and meditating. A time to hopefully find some kind of inner peace, self awareness and acceptance of self (to the best of your ability).

My definition of loneliness is when you long for some type of human interaction that stimulates the senses. Good, bad or indifferent.

My definition of alone is anytime you find yourself without companionship of any kind, particularly harmful if it is experienced for an extended period of time.

I enjoy my times of solitude. I feel a profound sense of emptiness when I feel lonely. And, more times than not, I gain something valuable from companionship, therefore I don’t like being alone. And that’s OK!! It should not automatically be equated with a profound lack of self acceptance. It’s okay, and perfectly natural to experience self doubt. If that were not so then the world of self help Gurus, motivational speakers and literature would cease to exist. That’s not gonna happen anytime soon in today’s society.

So a friendly heads up.. Do not challenge me when I say I don’t like being alone. I’ll call bullshit every time!

Searching Still

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”
― Helen Keller

I love this quote. Lately I am in need of constant reminders that I can succeed. As selfish as it seems I hope that I am not alone in my journey.

I think often times we struggle, especially as women, that we hold the same worth as the next person. It seemingly takes years to develop such a self defeating attitude but it is my prayer that it does not take near as long to overcome it.

With every sunrise and sunset, and all the time in between, I search for positive reminders. I suspect that is the least I can do for myself and share with someone else.

With much love, Smarterwiser