Santa and GOD

Christmas time comes but once a year. A celebration of the birth of Christ. Typically marked as a time for family, friends and worship. A time for thankfulness and sharing. The exchange of gifts beautifully decorated, goodies so delectable and irresistible that many vow to burn up hours and pounds and dollars in the local gym beginning the first of the New Year.

As the years have passed the way I celebrate Christmas has evolved. Shaped by time and life changes.

As a child I remember sharing Christmas with my twin sister. The living room was divided in two. One side mine, one side hers. I still vividly remember one year that Santa brought the “Barbie’s Friendship Airplane”, WOOHOO! I can even recall the smell of it. Latex, plastic.. who knows what it was made of but it is still a very strong sensory memory.

Fast forward…

Sometime in my “tween years”, the realization that there may not be a Santa Clause after all.

Tonight…

My quite mature and awesomely cool 11 year old son asked me “Mom, do you still believe in Santa Clause?” I paused and then told him I choose to still believe that maybe there is a Santa Clause. No firm commitment either way on my part but definitely a sense of hope. He looked at me as if to say “are you serious?” I got the overwhelming feeling that he was satisfied with my answer. The look on his face gave me the impression that he was somewhat hopeful and maybe even relieved.

This year I will celebrate Christmas with friends and coworkers. A modest 4 ft. artificial tree and a few gifts with less than elegant wrapping that I used to spend hours on.

My parents passed several years ago and I have strained relationships with two out of three of my sisters, including my identical twin. I struggle at times with not having much family during Holidays. A sense of longing for years past and a loneliness that is kind of difficult to pinpoint. But Then there is my son’s question about Santa Clause………

Well I can tell you this much honestly…

I believe in miracles.

I believe in grace and foregiveness.

I believe in love.

I believe in the goodness of others.

I believe in the power of prayer.

I believe in all of these things… I cannot tangibly sense the giver of these gifts. But I am certain they are very real. They are real because I am alive and reasonably well and a functional, productive part of society. They are real because when I almost gave up on life a power greater than mine intervened, reminded me of the blessings, like my son, that he has given me and faith forged a path for me that I never would have imagined. GOD knelt down from heaven, picked up the pieces and breathed life into what felt like dying shards of my soul. God brought wonderful people into my life and worked his miracles through many of them.

I digress… Yes son, Santa Clause is a real possibility if hope in a jolly old white bearded man in a red suit with reindeer and a sleigh fills your heart with love and excitement, your spirit with joy and hope and brings the possibility of experiencing the many wonders in life, even though you may never actually tangibly sense him, yes baby, believe to your hearts desire!

My prayers tonight will include that hope through a child’s eyes strengthens faith and that faith leads you to continuing your walk with GOD, and a certainty that you are my greatest gift and one of GODS unique miracles. AND that you will respect yourself and others as such priceless treasures.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Step at a Time

I’ve spent some time going back and reading some of my posts. Most are very passionate and some a little humorous. But I realize this morning what’s missing. The obvious, the simple.

Nobody said life would be easy. That’s an understatement. I guess there are times like now, that you have to strip yourself bare and start over. In doing this you, I suppose, have no choice but to begin with the most elementary of all concepts.. Put one foot in front of the other.

My legs are wobbly, my footing precarious to say the least but here goes.. One step at a time.

A note to those who care about me, I’m counting on your help should I stumble and fall.

The ones who have been there and extended a hand to help me up in the past know who they are. The ones who helped knock me down a time or two, well you also know who you are. And so do I…

An observation

It is with clear resolve that I say Human Beings, without a doubt, have the ability to be the cruelest of all living creatures.

Sadly enough many times by choice, not by necessity.

I Am A Survivor

I have a chronic disease. According to the latest statistics I have a 36% chance of a successful recovery within the first year.

Screw that! I am a fighter and I have a name and I am damn sure not a statistic on the wall!

Take that!! And then some…

What REALLY pisses me off? Giving up the fight!

We all have our stories. Please try to stay with me, it may get complicated.

There are times we feel like we are on top of the world and there are times we feel like all is lost.  Everyone, yes every single one has a story. Question? how did you get through? Better yet, how do you plan to get through??

As girls call it “retail therapy? or others;  a week-long escape to Europe?  A simple weekend off? A trip to Panera bread? Answer is “whatever works for you in the now”.

But what if now only gets you through the next 24 hours? Then what, you still have countless to go. My guess is until you face the real problem no quick fix will suffice.

If you are truly unselfish you will reach out, ego aside, and ask for help. Surprisingly enough it most likely will be there. And  if it’s not then it is a gift to  yourself, maybe the first of a lifetime, to find it yourself. God makes no mistakes, you are worth the fight!

Until you look deep inside and recognize the humility of being only human., maybe then will you understand that you are truly worth it.

I will say it again, you are not a mistake..you are exactly and precisely who and what you were meant to be.

You will find that grace..a saving grace. most likely right before your eyes and you didn’t even know it!!

Dear God

Dear God, I am sitting in my front yard admiring this beautiful spring day. The trees and flowers are blooming and the birds are singing.

I respectfully ask you why do I feel so empty inside?

I have no choice but to wait for you to find me.

BARE NAKED

I love to write and it is the one way that I know how to begin to express myself without regret, for the most part.

After pondering the implications of being absolutely truthful I find it a necessity to say what I think at this time in my life.

You see, I am just now beginning to understand healing and what it is I need to do for myself to mend the broken pieces that are repairable and to discard the ones that are not.

Just shy of two years ago my life as I knew it spun out of control..a whirlwind of intense emotion and pain that I never knew was possible in my lifetime.

My mind forgot how to rationalize, my body lost all sense of feeling..only knowing numbness. My spirit was ripped in half and my soul slowly died as each minute passed.

The two people most dearest to me betrayed me in every sense of the word.

In essence..the trusting, loving, forgiving me would never be the same again.

As I take the time to reflect on the past I realize it is time for a sort of “comming to terms” moment.

Painful things can and will most certainly happen that you, yourself have no control over.. I have discovered that’s just a part of life.

At this point, forgiving myself for not being able to readily forgive others is the first step. Then understanding that it’s ok and part of the grief process to find your own pace.

And finally, knowing, really knowing, it is safe to trust another is the ultimate test for me.

There are those I called “friend” who decided that I was, for whatever reason, not worthy of forgiveness. And then there are FRIENDS that know me well enough to understand that I am human, not perfect by far, just like themselves.

I just needed time and patience. I still do.

But what a gift..to give someone your precious time to let you heal in your own way, without judgement, without expectation.

“Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave” (INDIRA GANDHI)

 

Today I choose to be brave…

 

 

A Voice

You have one voice..good,bad,indifferent at times. Those who love you know that and accept that for all it’s worth.

Your intentions are not cruel. It is merely another thread of what makes you who you are.

The fabric of our lives..

A Touch

As I have said today is unique. My son is home with a fever. He is acting fine. No complaints. I guarantee whatever is going on will hit at 2 AM and I will be there.

To my new follower who blogged about remembering what her mothers hand looked like.. Please know this ..

You may not remember what those caring hands looked like but you definitely remember what they felt like!

You are a Mother and you know what that means.

You carried your child until birth.

They know exactly what your touch is like .

In the darkness of night you creep in their room to check.. Are they safe and warm. You adjust the covers just right with your hands ..

When they are sick you touch their forehead to feel for fever..

When they get hurt you stroke their cheek and say “it’s ok, I’m here”..

When they cry you dry the tears with your hand ..

They know that touch.. I am sure

A woman

So this morning I have an ample amount of time. What do I usually do? I blog.
I have been thinking.. “what is a woman?”
She is so much more than you think!
She has the ability to carry a human life inside her.
She has the ability to take care of others.. At home and work.
She has the ability to appear strong when it’s all falling apart.
She has the ability to hold back the tears when it seems as though its almost impossible.
She has the ability to Love when it is not in kind.
She has the ability to dream yet know those dreams are beyond the rainbow.
She has the ability to say I’m sorry and mean it.

She needs to be wanted. Regardless of what she says .
She needs to be held, no matter what the circumstance.
She needs to be made love to as if she is the only ONE.
She is.. A woman.