MIRROR IMAGE

When you look in your mirror who do you see?

I took a good long look in my mirror this morning. I thought to myself “what has happened to YOU?!”

I didn’t like who and what I saw.

It’s time for change..

Day #6

I work my ass off so other people can sit on theirs!!

That’s all for today!

Day #1

I woke up this morning after a good nights sleep and was greeted with a picture from the dearest of friends. You see “R” is a person that I call on at work when I need help..when I feel threatened.. He is always there and it makes me feel safer; without him I could not do my job. He is a protector, he is in essence a profiler, a detective, a body-guard, and a consummate negotiator.
GRANDfather and a wonderful friend. A true GENTLEman. Hard to come by these days.

As I looked at this picture many thoughts came to mind as I start DAY ONE. I realized how blessed I am to have the privilege to know such a person, and especially to call him a friend.

Among many things, my dear friend is a GRANDfather.

Essentially a grandfather is a man who is biologically enabled to call himself just that. He has had a child who in turn had a child. This is a fact of family lineage.

What makes a grandfather a GRANDfather? I will tell you only because I see it in the eyes of my friend.

A GRANDfather holds the key to “knowing”. A man who has a moderate lifetime of experience to share with his grandchild. A man who holds a key to life’s lessons and is willing to share. A man who is confident and knows how to love, unconditionally.

A man who is confident and not just understands, but is able to pass on the meaning of love and commitment. And to be able to honestly give such a gift to a child ensures a legacy of such proportion it is unequivocal.

At 43, I have already left my footprints in the sand..will others choose to walk in my steps? who knows? I suppose it will depend on whether or not those steps seem to appear to lead to a place of finally understanding. After much thought.. it is not the pace but the direction.

My dear friend, it appears your steps have led in a direction promising a young life hope, love, security, understanding and self-worth. The gifts that only a GRANDfather can give. Congratulations! I see the love in your eyes, the way you hold her..what a lucky young lady..thank you for sharing.

This morning I decided to empty the jar and start over, a little bit at a time. I suspect one day it will be full again, but with an ounce of courage and eyes wide open I will save the sand for last..

My Very Own 10 Commandments

80 posts and counting. A very dear friend of mine is the first one ever to tell me about blogging..and now I am addicted.  A great form of self-expression and therapy. Doubt he thought I would lay my whole life out for complete strangers to read about but that is how I blog best I think, honest and open, no frills; it is what it is.

Just about my favorite philosophy in life now is “learn from other people’s mistakes”. Better that than to fall on your ass and struggle to get back up when you could have made it easier on yourself by just watching and listening. A lesson I learned too late.

To all of my followers, thank you and God bless you. You are part of the reason this one blog will come alive..because maybe someone will read, listen and learn from my mistakes.

This blog will not include visually appealing graphics, music links, or other such effects..it is what it is, the plain truth, in black and white. Take it or leave it, your choice.

Lesson 1: DO NOT give until it hurts.. a fallacy. No constructive thing ever came out of giving until you hurt so much you are unable to give anymore. It is detrimental to yourself and to those you are truly trying to help, and to those in the future who may look to you for strength.  You will be wiped out and unable to help those you love as you set out to in the first place. Set limitations and know yours..save enough to go around including enough for yourself.

Lesson 2: DO NOT stand idle as those who are supposed to “care about you” belittle you and take you for granted. Allowing this to happen takes away from your very soul..you will feel less of a person than what you truly are. Whether it be a parent, spouse, sibling or whomever ..you will become a doormat for all that is not good in their world. (key term:their world, not yours)

Lesson 3: I WILL PAY YOU BACK. Another term for: maybe I will repay you but most likely not..Do not loan your money or anything else to those close to you unless you are fully and willingly able to accept the fact that it may not be a loan but a gift and leave it at that. Keep your eyes open before falling into that trap. There is nothing wrong with giving, just go into with eyes wide open.

Lesson 4: NEVER SAY NEVER. As God as my witness, just when you say that the sky will fall and you WILL be crushed! Nothing is beyond comprehension when it involves another human being and emotion. Like it or not it is an instinct from the time we are born to survive and for some that means pushing it to the limit to get what he/she wants or feels like they deserve no matter who it hurts. Just when you think someone close has pushed far enough hold on because they will most likely give it one more shot and it may be your undoing. Not theirs, they got what they wanted at your expense.

Lesson 5 : DO NOT ASSUME.  You know what they say..it makes an ass out of ‘u’ and ‘me’. But in all honesty it is true when you reason it out. Even though you may do something that you honestly feel is the right thing or the wise thing: “Only a fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.” [William Shakespeare] Do not assume you know what is best. Take the time to listen and observe..two of the best tools given to us.

Lesson 6:YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW. Not so, at least on the surface. While you may think you are doing good you may be actually doing more harm. Some people NEED to learn to stand on their own two feet..if you give them yours what is left for you?! Ahh, yes indeed you may reap a handicap that you did not intentionally mean to sow for yourself. All actions have consequences; and that my dear friend is a fact of life!

Lesson 7: I CAN LISTEN BUT CANNOT BE HEARD. A crock of shit in my opinion. Be assertive. Be willing to listen but also be prepared to say what you think in a respectable manner. Your thoughts count, as they should. Do not let this one go..it can make all the difference between frustration and self acceptance. What you have to say matters, even if no one else thinks it does.

Lesson 8: DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE DONE UNTO YOU. A wonderful life premise, but not necessarily a full circle fact.  You may never get back what you have given but that is the beauty of it..you give enough to feel good about you, not necessarily to get back. The better you feel about yourself the more willing you are to give..I hope anyway.

Lesson 9: LOVE IS BLIND.  Yes it is, but if you listen and learn from your mistakes it is the blindness that will enrich all the other senses, making it all worthwhile.

Lesson 10: ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG.  I will leave that thought with you…

All my love, Smarterwiser

 

 

 

 

 

 

2012..What a ride!

http://www.facebook.com/cynthia.l.wilson1?ref=tn_tnmn

Well here it is..my life opened to the world. My friends my family. Yep..Facebook. A look at my life from 2012 and then some. I debated on whether to do this or not..still uneasy about it.

Hope the visitors to my blog find it amusing to say the least, I do! I am blessed to have such a diverse family (my friends). See for yourself. Some posts are crazy, some heartfelt and some leave you wondering “umm..WTH?”. To me, that is the fun of it.

As a friend recently told me..shut down, decompress and reboot! So here goes..2013

I think..

I think..and words come to my mind…respect, care, love, friend, son, life, work, loyalty, self-esteem, hopelessness, “letting go”, shame, work, people, loved ones, life, fear, and the list goes on…

I have had the pleasure of meeting some very inspirational new blog friends recently and now it is time to share.

Today I am overwhelmed! So much to do and say and so little time. But that is nothing new. I have this urgency to get things done and said. Why is that? Maybe because time is precious and I believe in spending it wisely.

For as long as I can remember I have been taking care of others and now it is my time.

As far back as I can remember I have taken care of those I love. That has been a privilege. As well as taking care of strangers who count on me to do just that.

What if today were my last day? I have touched on this before but it resonates in the back of my mind and I cannot let it go.

What would I do..what would you do?

I would Kiss and Hug my child with all my might and then I would tell my ‘friend’ how much he means to me, and little does he know how much I depend on him to just be there.

I would tell my “estranged husband” to go to hell and then some!

I would tell my deceased parents “thank you”, no matter what pain I went through in childhood..they provided me with clothing and shelter.

I would tell my co-workers to keep on “keeping on” the world needs “angels like you”.

I would tell the World..”open your eyes and get a clue..we are all in this together. Put aside your racism, profiling, bigamist, judgemental, hypocritical bullshit and know that if belief in the overall goodness of the human spirit does not prevail then we as the human race have and will continue to fail.

I truly believe we are all one in the eyes of “God”. I am a Christian and not ashamed to say it.

I pray every night that the Lord provides a hedge of protection around my son and others..Does this surprise you? If so you don’t know me that well.

I would pray for myself..to have strength, Devine guidance, courage, knowledge, and all else to live my life..in order to make a differece.

I would hope that this feeling of hoplessness in the seemingly endless list of “to do” things ends.

I would hope that ‘letting go’ merely means giving another a chance to breath in your temporary abscence.

I would hope that shame gives light to experience and knowing better.

I would hope that self-esteem is gained through giving and receiving of those in need and those you love.

I would hope that the love you have for another is unconditional, without boundaries,exceptional and timeless.

I would hope that the respect you give and receive is well founded and based on the concept of integrity and mutual understanding of another.

I would hope that fear is extinguished by optimism and the willingness to take that chance!

I would hope that loyalty is derived from knowing that the person you are loyal to would do the same for you when push comes to shove.

I would hope that hopelessness fades in the strength that your friends and loved one’s provide you with.

I would hope that life blesses you with the same gifts that I have received over the many years.

I would hope that you find a friend; as I have, that is patient, caring, giving and above all else kind and loving.

Above all else I hope that you find peace, joy, love, and acceptance in your life.

What would you do if today was your last day??

What Christmas will be this year

Today is very rare, it is a Sunday and I got low censused at work after being there for a few hours. This is only the second time in about 5 years that this has happened. It is a beautiful Sunday and I am not sure what to do with myself so I decided to get out the millions of boxes of Christmas decorations that I have and get to work. Then, well as usual, I started thinking.

This Christmas will be different. I know already I will be alone. I am on call at work, my son goes to his dads and my twin is going to her friend Scotts up in North Carolina.

What to do? Yep first instinct is to feel sorry for myself..as pitiful as that sounds it is true. You see as a child Christmas was a family affair. Lots of people, food, gifts, laughter, music, etc. I grew up in what I would call an upper middle class family. I NEVER wanted for anything physical. I can still remember Christmas mornings. I had one side of the living room full of presents and my twin had the other..literally.  I am still awe-struck when I look back and think of the Barbie Airplane that I got one year..oh the places Barbie would go!

I am older now with a child of my own and can see the work that my parents put into the holidays and I will be forever grateful…BUT that is and will never be the tradition that I set for my son. He will get his gifts from Santa and Mommy and the family but he knows that Christmas is not about the gifts..it is about commemorating the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and that makes me a VERY proud Mom. Every Christmas Eve since he was a baby I have read to him from the Bible and talked with him about the Manger Scene. I also read the “Night Before Christmas”, and at bedtime we sprinkle the Reindeer food on the front lawn and leave Santa his cookies and milk..oh and not to forget the carrots for the Reindeer.

I think he “gets it” I pray..but do I?

Yea, this year I really think I do.  I have had so many changes that it is hard to wrap my head around them sometimes.

It is this time of year that I feel compelled to say “Thank you Jesus for the many blessings you have given me.”

That will be my Chirstmas..reflection, gratitude, humbleness, and great thanks for every breath I take and for those in my life.

My Dream

My hope is that you have someone truly special in your life..

Good gawd!! My …

Good gawd!! My sister is on a rampage. She works for a local company and is the Manager of Underwriting and she is also the Director of Imaging..Look the f@#! out for all those of you who are gonna have to deal with her today. She tells me about her issues,  one of which is that a scanner “is jacked the fuck up” and she is having trouble finding one of  “their guys” to work on it. Then she proceeds to tell me about some “fuckin’ stomach virus” she thinks she has and then finally she goes to town telling me about all the people who had better not “fuck” with her today.  So #1 I lost count of all the “f” bombs she dropped and then said a prayer for her co-workers.. #2 Don’t scream and cuss to no end in my ear if you don’t want it potentially on my blog! She asked me to keep my blog about her confidential and then she says “it would take a real Asshole to not figure out that I work for an insurance company”. Umm, my sister quite frequently goes on a rant like this. She is fluent with an Urban Dictionary.  Yes, we are twins..however I save my rants and only go off every so often.  Guess that is why they say “look out for the quiet one..i.e.  SMARTERWISER!  P.S. sis..I couldn’t resist the pic, hope you get to finish the sandwich!!!!