It feels like forever since I’ve blogged. Years ago I had a very special friend who suggested it. I am forever grateful for that. If you take the time to look back through my writings they are a true portrait of where I was at that point in my life. Some were sassy, humorous and some were my attempt at expressing my true emotions and mind set.
I find myself coming back to my site having a need to just express where I am today and what I hope for.
The last several years have been fraught with celebrations, disappointments and struggles . I remind myself that these experiences are not unique, just very personal. We are all navigating life as it unfolds.
Today, for whatever reason, I am compelled to share my thoughts. I am almost 52 years old with a 16 year old son. I have a precious canine companion named Ollie who has, unbeknownst to him, been my savior of sorts. He can be a “hot mess”, Terrier/Beagle mix, but at the same time very loving and lately I’ve noticed his intuitiveness. He now follows me almost everywhere in my apartment and lays by me at bedtime as if sensing my need for comfort and assuring me he is “there”. (As I am writing this he is laying, on his own, in his crate with the door open, beside me). Sort of unusual for him to go into his crate willingly without coaching. My first thought is both of us need some type of reassurance, comfort and sense of safety.
As of this past June, the department I worked in as an RN, “restructured” due to Covid. I found myself unemployed and quite frankly lost. In my 20 year career I had never experienced being unemployed. With RA and at my age I didn’t feel as though I would fit back into bedside nursing, which has been the greater part of my career. I had finally made it into a position in which I had my own office and various responsibilities. I was in my “zone” for a lack of better words. Then poof..it was gone. Looking back, I had complained about umpteen things and now would take all of it back in a heartbeat. A few opportunities later and still trying to find the “right fit”.
While I was still employed I was caring for my identical twin sister who had multiple surgeries r/t a motorbike accident. I pushed through, often times exhausted, but helping out of a sense of obligation and as the “nurse” in the family. But also mindful of the sense of “what if this were me”? I’d be lost without someone willing to help . I could see and sense her fear and she was grateful and expressed that many times. In hindsight, I would not have done anything differently.
Fast forward to current..my son, after many years of playing baseball, currently a freshman in HS with recent Tommy John surgery, has decided to “take a break” from playing. As a mom, I was alarmed..”what is really going on”? After lengthy talks, which I felt were sincere, his Dad and I allowed him to make his own decision. With the understanding he would keep his grades acceptable, continue to work on the weekends and not be sedentary. So far, he has taken on the responsibility of talking with his coach and teammates and everyone seems on board and accepting of his decision. Next season awaits. I guess we’ll see. It’s heartbreaking because he is so talented but at the same time I was honestly grateful he felt as though he was able to freely talk about where he was, what he felt and what he needed. Something I’ve always encouraged. It wasn’t some type of “feel good” kind of thing. He was articulate enough to be honest and forthright and took on the responsibility of following through with his decision. He demonstrated his strength of character and for that I am proud. He’s a sort of rough and tumble kid. Not afraid to dig in and get the job done. My prayer is that mindset will continue to serve him well. Which leads me to the next most important issue…
During the turmoil of the recent months I tended to take my frustrations out on others. Finding faults, making unpleasant, hurtful comments, etc. The person that I most alienated was the one who had taught me that unpleasant behaviors are most likely “projection”. I was trying to find fault in those around me because I already had recognized those traits in me and was unwilling to accept them. What a huge lesson. Unfortunately, my actions cost me the loss of a person I loved and cared about deeply. One person can only take so much. There comes a time when saying I’m sorry is redundant and meaningless. Just words.
In today’s world, as complicated and stressful as it is, my hope is to really learn from these experiences. I like to believe that we are not free of what may haunt us until we truly learn why we chose to cope the way we did and in the end choose a better path the next time. And I am sure there will be a “next time”.
Such is life..we live and learn. I think the key is to honestly learn from our experiences, take them as the gifts that they are.
Namaste
smarterwiser 